By Daniel L. Cole '98
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the word with the most definitions is
"set." That has nothing to do with Coleslaw, but another word that also has a lot of
definitions does. In fact, "set" is so meaningless to this article that I will make every
effort to not use it. The word Iím thinking of is... SPEED!!!
Anyone who has attended a morning assembly (and unless youíre permanently in
study hall for having accumulated a record number of latenesses, Iíll assume you HAVE
attended at least one) and has heard Head of Upper School Tony Garvan speak, youíll
know what I mean by "speed." Iím not talking about the bitter crystalline alkaloid
C17H21NO4 obtained from coca leaves and used medically as a topical anesthetic and
illicitly for its euphoric effects that may result in a compulsive psychological need Speed,
Iím talking about speed in its pure and natural form.
I love driving fast. I think I set a new... I mean, I think I BROKE a record for
speeding in the backroads of Harleysville. Iím not the only one who enjoys the
exhilaration of being pushed back into the seat by the force of acceleration as I watch the
scenery fly by... nono. Think of how many great advances have been related to speed- the
wheel, the sailboat, the locomotive, the bicycle, the automotive, the airplane, the jet, the
space shuttle, hyperdrive, etc. All because people want to get where theyíre going and
they want to get there at best possible speed.
One thing that really bothers me is the universal speed limit- 299,792 kilometers
per second. The speed of light. Why canít we go faster than that? Stupid relativity. Sure,
thereís a girl I know out in California whoís approached the speed of light in her parentsí
car, but has never exceeded it. The aliens have found a way to take me to their home
planet where I perform tricks at a circus under my trainerís whip for the grotesque
extraterrestrial throngs, perform tests on me, then get me back home all in the course of a
few hours. So if theyíve found a way to outrun the Galactic Light Police, then so can we.
I hope. Now Iím going to set... PUT my pen down and stop writing because this is getting
way too long. Until next time, goodnight, and watch out for speed traps.
Useless Fact of the Issue
Speaking of fast, did you know that a full grown bear can run
as fast as a horse?
Website of the Issue
ClassicGames.com: Where you can play your favorite boardgames with
people from across the world!!!